Once more - And then again

So we moved again, now back to student housing. Spent a week fighting to get internet - I had to give up my previous service provider which worked perfectly because they don't service the houses where we moved and instead had to make do with another provider that has never been working for me. Not this time either... I lost the count in how many times I had to call them just to get them register my order, for some reason they kept repeatedly getting the address wrong >.< But, now the net is back and during the week without it I really saw how dependent we are of it. I can't pay my bills without it, nor do I have any access to maps without it or bus schedules just so say some of the most obvious examples. Like Owl said, the world becomes awfully large when you can't rely on the internet.

The place is cheap and it shows but I like it better here than the last place, lot of it has to do with neighbours - they're all students so the atmosphere is much more relaxed and livelier. I also enjoy hearing many different languages around me and the amount of green every where - lawn mower has touched only some places and the rest is left alone so there are wild looking spot that feel rejuvenating. I enjoy living here already despite the public transportation not being as plentiful as what I've used to. I think I can live with buses not going every ten minutes ;)

Also, my rpg character was revealed to be a cradle robber. D'oh!

Had Russian test today. It showed how truly scared I am of exams, irrationally so. Even though it was fairly easy I was so nervous, I felt like running away not even reading the paper and once I read it I felt like I didn't understand a word. Of course I understood it and knew what I had to do but the panic blinds me completely when there's any kind of test to be done. In the end I managed to do it and return it and it didn't feel that bad. But of course now I'm afraid I'm going to fail because I feel like that. Can't even talk about it because no one but my therapist takes me seriously and she just went on a vacation. *sigh* I truly need to do something to this fear if I want to survive in university... I can't describe how bad it is. But I guess it's some kind of victory that I went there and actually managed to do it.

Went to sign the new rental contract and have to say, it was the most humiliating thing happening for me in a while. Having to explain why I have so few credits from last year was simply painful, reminding me again why moving to the student housing was the last resort for me. There's no room for those who aren't 100% well and healthy anywhere, least in the university in the current atmosphere. It doesn't matter that I've made huge progress and that recovering enough to be somewhat a functioning part of the society seems realistic, I've been deemed as a failure because I still can't do the same as those who are healthy. There's no room for getting better, it's either I can do everything right away or I might as well not even try. This is the attitude that I'm sensing and it's all thanks to the new political direction where they're trying to kick students out of the university as quickly as possible to "do something productive". I'm not coping well in that kind of environment. It has been especially tough because getting into university to study what truly interests me has been my aim for as long as I can remember and one of the few things that have pushed me forward in getting better. To have a feeling that my kind is not wanted there has been hard to swallow.

It's not like I'm giving up, I just need to go through these feelings and find a way to cope with them while I do my best to show 'em. Not looking forward for the summer break in my therapy.

Envious of those who have summer vacation.. even though I do enjoy taking Russian I miss being able to just take a book somewhere and read under a tree without worrying about schedules. And then there's the fact that I'm moving again so I'm either in class or studying for an exam or packing. Not much time left for reading, especially as I'm involved in all sort of rpg-campaigns with some awesome people. And playing Witcher all night. Though that's mainly because it's too dark to read then *cough* But oh how I do love the fact that it is summer. I've missed it terribly.

I also need to get my English back in shape (well, as much as it's ever been anyway).

The rabbits have been awesome-crazy today. For the past week it's been incredibly hot so during the day they've been nearly liquid bunny puddles in shade. Today it's been raining and they're suddenly full of energy, running around and playing like they've lost their tiny minds. It's been fun to look at except maybe when they nearly trip me, suddenly teleporting at my feet when I'm going somewhere. Also they've been super destructive, I just hope they don't chew through the boxes before we've moved at least.

First a hard day full of rush at the stable though it was all good. Getting home was a bit of a problem and I had to call my mom to come get me but in the end that, too was a good thing as we got to talk about things we don't usually talk about. Later at night my friend and my sister both decided to come over so there were people and tea and discussion, all that I needed <3

School has started after the winter break, I have lot of literature courses, Carelian and Russian and couple of other courses. Lot to do but I hope I make it as I need them.

After 12½ hours in three sessions my tattoo is finally done!

Busy, busy, busy. I'm having a free Saturday first time forever (even though it's because I need to do some schoolwork) and it's pretty awesome to be able to just stay put in front of the computer and catch up with everything. I do enjoy working at the stable even though it's been really tough lately due to some problems with the stable owner but I want to see us working it through instead of leaving just now and yesterday it seemed that things could get better. I just enjoy staying there so even though V has asked me to quit going there I can't do it unless it seems that things can't be fixed.

School has kept me busy with putting every single course I need to do on the first year in the first period. Gah! I've been trying to put them in order in what I can drop if I can't make it and take again next year (which now seems to be happening). I'd love to hear who's brilliant idea was to put the courses like that >.>;

Torture is over - I got accepted to University to study Finno-Ugric languages and cultures. Also, V got accepted to study law in University of Lapland. This means we'll be living really far away from each other for few years as I will be staying in Helsinki - it's nice to have some other reason for staying here than the stable because I honestly don't want to move to North :P I don't mind visiting there but the winter gets me. And I like it here. I am a bit concerned about how we're going to survive with rents and stuff without his paycheck but I guess we have wait and see how that goes. I know I won't be getting an apartment from student housing because I already live in Helsinki and they mainly go to those who come from elsewhere and I don't even want to move away from here. But, it's still a year away. I'll be enjoying the rest of the summer knowing that I showed my doctor who's been trying to force me to work life uneducated because I'm "too stupid for university"

Fell down the stairs and sprained my wrist on top of everything else :[

I'm alive again. I'll write something more elaborate about these months later, now I've got studying to do. And huge amount of catching up O.o